


Where I Find Peace

by GeekLover



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, First Kiss, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Pining, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-19
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:53:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24750367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeekLover/pseuds/GeekLover
Summary: Growing up, all Arthur longed for was a true place to call home. By the time he was twelve, he found two of them - one was a magical spot in the woods. The other was a miracle named Merlin.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 163
Collections: Camelot Remix 2020





	Where I Find Peace

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Sanctuary](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11408976) by [Moonflower999](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonflower999/pseuds/Moonflower999). 



> For Moonflower999. I thought _Sanctuary_ was a really sweet story, as is so many of your works. I'm glad I got a chance to read so many of them.
> 
> Thanks to the mods for hosting this fest again and for their patience!
> 
> The title is taken from the song "Everything" by Lifehouse.

The first time he found sanctuary, it was a place. 

When he was a child, Arthur Pendragon lived a very lonely existence. His father, Uther Pendragon, worked countless hours. What his father got out of that work Arthur never really knew. It didn’t seem to make him happy. They were always quite well off, but Uther held on to what he earned tighter than Ebenezer Scrooge. 

Because he didn’t want to spend extra money, he didn’t see the need to hire a nanny for Arthur. There were was always a housekeeper around, but it was never their main duty to keep an eye on Arthur, so he was free to do what he wanted.

Many children would have enjoyed that, and while it had its advantages, Arthur craved having someone else around to play with, to laugh with, to just have another voice around. In school, he longed to make friends but he was so quiet the other kids didn’t spend much time with him.

For the most part, he spent most of his time in his own head. The only time he got to have any fun was on the weekends. His father would drag him to his office and leave him to his own devices. He wandered off to the park. The kids he played with there were nice to bash around with and play, but they never stuck around long enough for Arthur to talk to anyone.

One of those weekends, Arthur didn’t feel like going back right away to his dad’s office so he explored the park. He ended up finding this gorgeous spot that seemed hidden from view beyond the park’s deserted sheds. It was a small spot surrounded by pine trees that seemed to stretch endlessly. 

There was this feeling of peace that came over Arthur when he found the spot. He spent hours there that first night. Part of him wanted to stay there rather than go back with his father. 

The next weekend, he didn’t bother finding anyone to play with. He simply rushed to that spot. It felt like something was pulling him there. Being there he just felt free in a way he never felt before. 

It was his spot and nothing bad could touch him there. It was the place he felt most like himself.

The next time he found sanctuary, it was not a place. 

Meeting Merlin felt like a miracle. 

When he was twelve, his father had disappointed him by not showing up for his footie match. Uther had promised repeatedly he would make it. The one thing Arthur could count on was his father disappointing him. But in his excitement, this time he chose to trust him. As usual, that trust was misplaced. 

Uther never showed and never bothered to call. Everyone else was celebrating their win, but he felt like the biggest loser on the planet. Without thinking, he ran off in tears to go to his spot. Unfortunately, it was pouring down rain and he got lost. 

He stopped at a bench, seemingly a bus stop, and just sat down crying. A hundred years could have gone by, he didn’t know how long he sat and wept. 

Suddenly, a hand was on his shoulder. When he looked up there was the strangest, but most beautiful, boy staring down at him with concern. To this day, he swore, the rain immediately stopped the moment he set eyes on Merlin. 

Right then, he should have known.

Merlin seemed the same age as him. For a brief moment, Arthur wondered if he was lost, too but it turned out Merlin wasn’t alone. His mother Hunith was with him. After he explained that he got lost - sparing them the details of how - they offered to take him home. He knew he was never to go off with strangers but when they watched him with patient eyes, they didn’t feel like strangers. 

Once he got there, Hunith went off to find him a towel and gave him some of Merlin’s old clothes to wear while she put his clothes in the dryer. The whole time, Merlin just stared at him, not saying a word. 

When Hunith left them alone, Merlin sat down next to him. While Arthur felt a little uneasy with the way Merlin’s eyes seemed to follow him, it didn’t annoy him as much as thought it would. 

“Why are you so sad?”

His gentle and sweet voice almost startled Arthur. It was on the tip of his tongue to tell him to mind his own business, but when he faced Merlin and saw his wide, perfect blue eyes, Arthur opened his mouth and said something completely different.

“I think my father hates me.” His chin wobbled and he couldn’t look at Merlin.

Without saying another word, Merlin put his hand over his. Arthur started to talk...and talk...and talk. About his father. About how his mother was gone. About how much he wished he knew her. About everything. It didn’t feel strange to confide in this strange boy.

Soon enough, his tears evaporated and he felt a little better. Merlin smiled at him. 

“My dad is dead.” He frowned but went on talking not waiting for Arthur’s pity or sympathy. “I didn’t get to know him either.” Before he went on, he glanced upstairs where they could hear Hunith moving around. “I don’t talk about it with my mother because it makes her cry.”

Arthur swallowed thickly. He cleared his throat. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Staring into Arthur’s eyes for a second, it seemed like he was about to speak, but then he shrugged. “Not tonight. Another time.”

Arthur nodded. He wondered if Merlin thought he was strange for blathering on about so much to him. He was about to apologize when Merlin laughed.

“Do you want to hear something funny?”

Arthur leaned in without answering.

Taking that as his cue, Merlin regaled him with a tale of his old friend Will and the time he tried to teach Merlin how to shave and ended up shaving off one of his eyebrows.

Cider came out of Arthur’s nose, but he didn’t regret it for a minute. The longer they were together, the more Merlin seemed to become more comfortable and his silence became a thing of the past as he told Arthur even more stories from his time in his hometown of Ealdor.

By the end of the night, Arthur felt lighter than he had in ages. Even when Uther came by to collect him, it didn’t damper his spirits as much as he thought it would. It made him sad to have to go back to his dark, dreary home, but Merlin promised to see him again and that made all the difference.

There was no one truer to his word - something that never changed - and they met up a few days later in the park. Merlin became his first, and only, true friend. There was never a time, even when they argued, he didn’t feel like he was safe with Merlin. 

He quickly discovered that Merlin was a mass of contradictions. Sometimes he was as quiet as he was the first time they met. But he was also funny and outspoken with the occasionally annoying habit of saying whatever came to his mind. No matter how “prattish” Arthur could get, Merlin had his back and gave him advice, even when he didn’t want to hear it. 

One of the best things about him was how fiercely protective he was of Arthur, especially when it came to his father. Merlin was always polite, the few times he was in Uther’s presence, but he didn’t let Uther scare him off with his pretentious questions and the way he looked down on him. 

Hunith was just as protective. They both made sure to be there for Arthur - sports competitions, debate matches, speeches, whatever it was. Hunith made it a step further to be in constant contact with Uther remind him of these events.

Uther was still not a present father, but Hunith’s persistence did make somewhat of a dent. Uther was even there when Arthur graduated.

It soon became quite clear to Arthur that his feelings for Merlin ran far deeper than just friendship. It terrified him because he knew his father would never approve. While Uther might not have had much use for him, he knew the fury that would be unleashed if Uther suspected his son was gay. 

His feelings for Merlin terrified him also because what if he told Merlin how he felt and he rejected him. To lose Merlin’s friendship would be a devastating blow that he would never recover from. 

For years, he kept his feelings to himself. He watched Merlin float from relationship to relationship, dying on the inside that he didn’t get to be the one to love and be loved by Merlin. Yes, he knew Merlin loved him, but it was as a friend. He wanted more but was too much of a coward to reach for it.

Despite how Uther was, maybe because of it, he still longed for a better relationship with his father. So, after he graduated he took a job at Uther’s publishing company. While he knew Uther assumed he would one day take over running the company, his goal was to become a book editor. Maybe that would be good enough for Uther.

One day, Uther called him into his office. He told him about this gala party he was hosting for their authors and authors the company was hoping to sign. There was an author, Sophia Waters, who Uther was determined to land. She was going to the next great YA franchise. While Uther though those books were “mainstream dreck” he knew how lucrative signing Waters would be.

Without any preamble, Uther told Arthur that Sophia had indicated that she was interested in dating Arthur and that Arthur needed to do it. There was no asking, it was clear in his tone he expected Arthur to acquiesce immediately.

While Arthur had dated a few girls to keep up appearances, He hadn’t done it in a while because he could barely stomach the lie anymore. But he wanted a better relationship with his father so he agreed.

“I suppose one date won’t be so -”

Uther wagged his finger and talked over him. “I’m not sure how long you’ll need to be attached. This isn’t the sort of woman who wants a one-off. Don’t be so American, Arthur.”

Arthur gritted his teeth and strained to keep from rolling his eyes. “I can appreciate Ms. Waters’s need for companionship, father believe me but I don’t want to have a relationship with a woman I’ve never met.”

“For heaven’s sake, Arthur.” He did not have Arthur’s restraint and rolled his eyes. “I’m asking you need to date her, not marry her. Seeing as you’ve never managed to keep a woman on your own, I’d think you’d be glad for the assistance.”

His fists were clenched so hard, Arthur thought he might draw blood.

“After everything I’ve done for you over the years, I would think you would be able to grant me this one thing I ask,” Uther finished. He walked toward the giant window in his office as if the conversation was over.

“After everything you’ve done?” He tried to contain his fury, he really did but years of resentment boiled over and his mouth had a mind of its own. “Are you fucking kidding me?!”

Uther whirled around and stared daggers at Arthur. “I beg your pardon? How dare you -”

“Shut up!” Arthur bellowed. 

For the first time in his life, he saw a glimmer of fear in Uther’s eyes.

“After everything you’ve done for me?” Arthur repeated as he advanced toward his father. “What in bloody hell do you think you’ve ever done for me? The only thing you’ve ever given me is a roof over my head and that was the bare minimum you could do. Have you ever shown me a speck of love, of kindness without wanting something back?”

As Uther opened his mouth to speak, Arthur halted him by holding up his finger. 

“I am not done talking.” He narrowed his eyes and Uther zipped his lips. 

Arthur let out a long breath. “You’ve rarely shown up for anything important to me. You made it to my graduation, but you left the second I walked across the stage and never offered me a word of congratulations.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose as his anger started to subside and he just felt immense sadness.

“The worse thing you’ve done is you’ve never spoken to me about my mother.”

Before Uther spoke, Arthur continued on, speaking over him.

“I know it brings you pain, but how do you think I felt not getting to know anything about my own mother?” He gazed down at the ground. “Your job as my parent was to set aside your grief and be there for me, but you couldn’t even do that one thing. The only thing I ever needed from you.” He sighed. “So, I’m sorry you’re upset I can’t do this one thing for you.”

When he was finally able to look at his father again, he scrutinized his face to see if anything he said penetrated his icy demeanor. The only change is his usually indifferent expression was replaced with one of annoyance.

Uther crossed his arms over his chest. “Am I allowed to speak?”

He simply nodded.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t the perfect father, but it is time to grow up now. I need you to do this for me because it is your job. Put your pathetic feelings aside, be a man, and step up for your family legacy.” Venom dripped from every word.

While it angered him that Uther didn’t take anything he said to heart, it didn’t surprise him. 

He shook his head. “I won’t do it.”

“Why the bloody hell not?”

“Because I’m gay!”

In all the times he envisioned this conversation, he never imagined it coming out like that. While he always knew his father would be furious, there was a part of him that hoped his father’s indifference all those years would make telling him the truth not so bad. Maybe in his tradition, Uther wouldn’t care. 

Unfortunately, Arthur was wrong. The white-hot rage he saw in his father’s eyes could probably burn a hole in the world. Slowly, Uther walked right up to him. “I will give you one chance to take back such a horrible statement. I know you want to hurt me, but you had better rethink this.”

Of course, Uther thought this was about him. As much as his father’s rage terrified him, he couldn’t take it back now. He wouldn’t go back to living this lie. 

“This isn’t about you, father. This is me. This is who I am.”

Immediately, Uther turned on his heel and walked back toward the window. After a tense minute, where Arthur kept looking back at the door wondering if he should flee, he spoke again. His voice wasn’t filled with anger, annoyance, or indifference. He just sounded cold. 

“Get out.”

He didn’t respond. He knew he should leave, but he couldn’t make himself do it.

“I won’t repeat myself.” Uther still wouldn’t look at him. “I suppose I should have known this all along. I wonder...I wonder if your mother took one look at your face, realized the abomination she’d given birth to, and dropped dead on the spot.”

His father couldn’t have said anything more hurtful if he tried. While Arthur knew it wasn’t true, the guilt he felt over his mother’s death never went away and it felt like Uther reached into his chest and crushed his heart.

“I will not have a son who is something unnatural. I have no son any longer. You will no longer be employed here and I never want you to darken my door again.” He finally glanced over his shoulder. “Is that clear?”

“F-father?” He croaked.

“Get out!” Uther turned back to the window.

With a strangled cry, he fled from the room on shaky legs. His pain was immeasurable and he could barely see past the tears in his eyes. Once he escaped the building, the only thought carrying him was that he wanted to see Merlin. 

He needed him.

But the irrational part of his brain kept telling him that he couldn’t face Merlin right now. He wouldn’t be able to keep himself from confessing to Merlin and what if Merlin reacted badly. His heart was too shattered to face the possibility of losing the most important person in his universe.

So he went to his spot instead. After collapsing against a tree, he curled up and cried until he felt raw inside and kept crying.

Just like the first time they met, he felt Merlin’s hand on his shoulder. Merlin’s hand slipped around his shoulders.

"Arthur. I'm here, Arthur. I'm here for you. Always."

Looking up into those extremely concerned eyes which always brought him comfort, his heart clenched and he closed his eyes and felt fresh tears, a different sadness overtook him. This would be the one thing that changed how Merlin saw him. He just knew it.

“What did your father do?” Merlin’s voice was gentle, but he could hear a hint of anger underneath.

He rubbed his eyes with the palms of his hands. “It isn’t what he did. It’s what I did. Who I am?”

“Arthur, what are you talking about?”

Swallowing thickly, Arthur turned to him again. He had to tell him. If there was anyone who deserved to know the truth, to see him for he really was, it was Merlin. “I told him...I’m gay.”

As much as it would pain him, he tried to brace for the different look in Merlin’s eyes. He knew it was coming. But when he stared into his eyes, nothing changed. 

Squeezing him tighter, Merlin’s eyes were glistening. “I’m so happy you were finally willing to open up and you don’t have to be burdened with this secret anymore.”

Blinking at him, he was astonished Merlin didn’t seem surprised at all or...disgusted. “That’s it?”

Merlin’s brow furrowed. “What are you expecting? Do you think I’m going to judge you? Because if you’re waiting for that, you’re going to be waiting a long time. I didn’t judge you when you said One Direction is a more superior band than The Beatles - which you know is absolute bollocks.”

Despite still feeling like his guts were churning, Arthur snorted and wiped at his nose.

Turning more serious, Merlin made sure to look into his eyes. “I will never judge you, Arthur.”

Though he had always known that, he was still scared and couldn’t get rid of his fear. He moved away from Merlin’s embrace. “My father called me an abomination.”

He heard Merlin’s sharp, shaky inhale. When he glanced over his shoulder he saw that Merlin’s eyes were closed and he seemed to be fighting off an intense outburst. Opening his eyes, there was still a storm in his ocean blue eyes, but soon all he could see as he looked at him was compassion.

Merlin reached for his hands. “Your father - and the people like him - are the abominations. There is _nothing_ wrong with you. I know who you are, Arthur. The fact that you’re gay is just one part of you. It doesn’t change who you are to me. You’re still the same stubborn, insufferable, sweet, funny beautiful prat you’ve always been.”

Closing his eyes, he could feel tears stream down the side of his face. 

Holding his face gently, Merlin whispered, “look at me, please.” He only continued when Arthur finally did. “I know there’s nothing wrong with you. I know…” He stopped as he got choked up. “I know because...I’m gay, too.”

Stumbling back suddenly, Arthur shook his head. This wasn’t possible. 

Following him, Merlin stood in front of him and appeared as if he was struggling to get out his next words. “You’ve always told me how brave I am, but I didn’t know how to admit this to anyone. I wasn’t ready.” He took a few halting steps forward. “But I won’t let you sit here and feel like you’re alone in this. You’re not. And if you’re a monster for being gay, what does that make me?” 

“You’re not -” He rubbed at his forehead roughly. “You’re just saying this to make me feel better.”

“I wouldn’t do that. If you look in my eyes, you’ll know that this is true.” 

It took him a few tries, but he finally did look up and he gasped when he stared into his best friend’s warm eyes. He wasn’t lying. His hand flew to his mouth.

“I’m sorry for keeping this from you for so long.” Merlin sniffled. “But I think you, of all people, can understand why. I never wanted to lie to you. I’m so sorry.”

It almost took Arthur’s breath away again. Merlin was apologizing to him for being gay. Merlin was gay. Merlin admitted that he was gay so Arthur would know he wasn’t alone. Merlin had opened his heart to him - in so many ways - and he was apologizing for not doing enough. Arthur couldn’t let him do that.

“Don’t say you’re sorry, please.” He wiped his eyes. “It’s like you said I understand. I understand more than you know. I’ve never wanted to lie to you and I don’t want to keep on doing that.”

Slowly looking around this place that had brought him peace so many times, he realized this was where this was supposed to happen. This was why Merlin found him tonight. 

Arthur had always thought of this spot as his sanctuary - his true home but it wasn’t true. Merlin was his home. He always would be. 

“I love you.” He said, his voice shaky but he stood stock-still, waiting/dreading Merlin’s reaction.

“I think I’ve always known that. At least I hoped so.” Merlin smiled from ear to ear. 

While he was happy that Merlin was smiling, he wasn’t sure if Merlin truly understood what he was confessing. 

“What I mean is I’m in love with you.”

After closing the distance between them, Merlin carded his fingers through his hair. His blinding smile somehow growing. “I know.”

Before his brain asked a million questions, he was caught off guard again when Merlin leaned forward and kissed him softly. 

“I love you, too.”

They were nose to nose and he could finally see the truth that had been in front of him for so long. Part of him felt like such an idiot for not seeing it before, but his heart was too busy dancing in his chest to concern himself with that regret.

A day that had started so horrifically was now the best one of his life and he almost wanted to drop to his knees and thank God. Instead, with trembling hands, he caressed Merlin’s cheek. “You’re my home, Merlin.”

“And you are mine.” 

They came together in a tender kiss, that increased in passion as Arthur wrapped his arms around Merlin and crushed their bodies together. Merlin’s hand stroked Arthur’s hair and tugged as Arthur opened his mouth and Merlin stroked his tongue against his. 

If they kissed for days, it wouldn’t have been long enough for Arthur. They pulled back, breathing heavily and both dissolved into giggles before kissing tenderly again and again. 

From that point on, they were officially together and Arthur’s sanctuary became theirs. It was not only where they had their first kiss and exchanged their first ILYs, but they made love for the first time there. 

It only seemed right that, a year later, when he wanted to ask Merlin the most important question of his life, he would do it there. He planned it all. On printed stationery, he requested Merlin’s presence at their spot on a beautiful Saturday in the Spring. 

Thankfully, the weather was gorgeous and all the colors seemed brighter or maybe he was imagining it since he was so drunk on love. He put signs up on the utility sheds directing Merlin where to go. He strung lights up on the trees. On the thicket leading to their spot, he spread Merlin’s favorite flowers - orchids. 

He wished he could have seen Merlin’s face but he wanted to greet him by their favorite tree. When Merlin arrived, he stared around in wonder. He looked like he was dressed for a wedding already in a three-piece black suit with a blue tie that matched his eyes. Arthur was dressed similarly. 

If Hunith wouldn’t have killed them, he probably would have married Merlin on the spot but he was getting ahead of himself.

When Merlin reached him, he took hold of his hands and went into his speech before he started blubbering and couldn’t speak.

“When I was a boy, I found this place and it felt like magic or some kind of miracle. I’d never had a home before and this place felt perfect. I felt safe here in a way I’d never felt before. I would sit against this tree and dream of my future. All I wanted was love and happiness and peace. I wished and I wished and I wished…” Tears started to well up in his eyes.

Merlin was in a similar state and he reached over and softly wiped his tears.

“I never knew that wish would come true when I was twelve years old.” He smiled. “I was so lost when you found me. Meeting you felt like a miracle. You’re my miracle, Merlin. You bring me peace, Merlin. You bring me more joy than I ever thought it was possible to feel.” He held Merlin’s hands. “I never want to let you go. I want to have a family with you. I want to grow old with you. If you’ll have me -”

“Yes,” Merlin blurted out. 

Arthur was caught off guard for a second and then giggled. “I haven’t asked yet.”

“Then ask.”

“I will.” They shared a laugh. Arthur couldn’t help kissing him. “Will you be by my side forever? Will you marry me?”

“You’re everything to me, Arthur.” Merlin stroked his cheek and kissed him softly. “Yes, I’ll marry you.”

It took him a few tries, his hands were shaking, to pull a ring out of his pocket. Arthur placed a simple silver band on Merlin’s finger. They kissed again.

“I love you,” Arthur whispered against his mouth.

“I love you, more.” Merlin smiled. 

After they separated, Arthur turned on his iPod and they danced to Lifehouse’s “Everything.” 

This was where Arthur’s life began and he couldn’t wait for the rest of what it had in store for him. As long as he had Merlin in his life, he would never be lost again. He would always have a home.


End file.
